Ella Ivshin, PhD
06/18/10
The phone rang I picked up the phone and answered. It was a very dear young man, who once was my student and over time became a big part of my life. We talked the usual “Hi “ and “ How are you? ” for a few minutes. Suddenly he became quiet, and silence filled the air. I did not interrupt. I was listening to his breathing and I knew that he wanted to tell me something that couldn’t be rushed. Finally he broke the silence.
“ Ella, might I ask you something? “. His was voice was trembling. “ Of course you can” I answered back to him. “You know that you can ask me about anything”. I was getting nervous.
“ If something happens to me,” he continued slowly and carefully, as if he was walking on very thin ice…“ ..if something happens to me , would you teach my mother what you know? I want her to have with me what you have with your son”.
My stomach turned in knots. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I knew exactly what he was asking me to do. I was frozen. After taking a deep breath, I answered : “ Yes, my Moon Child, I will.”
Just a few days earlier, he was helping me with the maintenance of my blog. To be more accurate it’s not my blog, but a blog in honor of our son, Boruch (Boris), who left this world two years ago at the age of 18 on April 18, 2008. My friend was referring to messages that I was posting on the blog to mark the two years since my son’s transition as well as conversations that we previously had.
The fact of the matter is that from the first minute out of his physical body , my son started to communicate with me in the divine ways. Our communication never stopped and we have been speaking regularly since that day. Not only that, he was and is providing me with messages, directions and guidance that are helping me and to my husband walk across the desert of Death and is teaching us how to deal with the physical separation. Without these conversations, my husband and I would not be able to survive the unbearable pain, harshness of the reality and everything else that has crushed on us since that one unforgettable night that began with a knock on the door by a police officer.
Those who are in the same situation as we , know exactly what I am talking about. Nothing, nothing in this life, none of the other losses can came even close to the pain and suffering that swallows you when your child moves forward to the other world, leaving you, the parents, behind. The “normal’ order of life has turned upside down and with that everything that we had thought about and dreamt about has been wiped out by the hand of destiny just as a useless dust from a TV set. That night, I died too and I became below ashes.
The only thing that has kept me breathing was my strong and unbelievable vivid bond with our son. He has never left me, not even for a second. He surrounds me with his energy, his voice, his love and visions that have become a warm blanket in the freezing night at winter. His constant, now divine presence has saved our lives.
For some of you , the information that I am sharing might come across and sound like a metaphoric or allegorical conversation. However, make no mistake. Let me assure you that it is more real then the chair on which you sit at this moment.
Let me share with few just a few short stories of how real this all is. This past Shavuot, my husband and I came to Yizchor Services to our synagogue. My husband went to the men’s’ seating area and I went to the women’s’. Behind me was the memorial plaque that is usually lit during the Yizchor service. It has names of the community members that are now in the Realm of Truth. My dad’s name and our son are there too.
The Service started. I did not want to sit. I was wearing dark glasses and crying. Suddenly, I felt a light push on my back. I turned around and there was no one behind me. I turned back. I was pushed again, only this time, with a push there was a voice that whispered:“ They forgot about us”. I looked on the memorial plaque and I saw that the lights next to each name for some reason were out.
At that moment I understood that the divine community was feeling forgotten. Right away I went to the Rebbetzin and shared with her my experience. At the first opportunity she talked to the Rabbi and shortly after he corrected the situation. In his speech he paid special attention to our divine community, stating that regardless of the fact that for some reason the lights were not on, they were all remembered and honored and loved by all of us.
Right after the service, my son appeared to me and thanked me for taking care of that situation assuring me that our divine community was pleased. Then he also added : “Mom, Dad’s birthday is coming. As a gift from all of us, give him a tallit”.
Once again, I went to the Rebbetzin right away and shared with her what my son just had told me. After listening to me she responded:” The Rabbi and I are going to Israel in a few days and if you wish we can buy a tallit there”. I agreed and felt that this was the right thing to do.
When they came back from Israel , right before Shabbat the Rabbi presented my husband with this gift . All this was a huge surprise to my husband. I had to bring him to the Rabbis house without him knowing anything about it. Next day, on Shabbat, we all had a “little L’ Chaim” with a big cake and many candies for the children. At the age of 60, my husband got his first tallit. When I asked him later if he liked the gift, he said to me “ I have wanted a tallit for a long time, but did know how to approach it”. Well, I had no idea either, but our son knew the heart of his dad and made all that happen for him.
When people have conversations about the subject “ if there is a life after death? “ for me this is much bigger and deeper then just an intriguing conversation. For me this is my reality. It is not even a belief; it is a very deep, honest, simple knowing. The knowing that can’t be shaken by anything ever. When we know, when we witness first hand, that knowing can’t be taken away. That knowing shapes our world, our thinking and our approach to life beyond recognition. I always was very sensitive and during my life had many different experiences of loved one from another realm contacting me as well as others that someone might call odd, mystical or etc. However, now, this is not an “experience” for me. It is my life, which I would not change it for anything else.
I am writing this article in time around a Fathers day . And I know, that there are families like ours, where their son or daughter will not be knocking on the door with a flower and other gifts. They will not be able to hug you and you will not be able to kiss them, just as my husband and I can’t. However, I am writing to tell you the following. Your child will be with you. Please know that. Your son or daughter will be next to you not only on Fathers day, but every other day as well. It is very important for you to know this.
One more thing so I can clear my chest fully. ( Let me just swallow my tears.) I want to share with you the true purpose of “why” I am writing this article. The truth is, that when my son left and then came back to me and started to talk with me… in those first few days, he was not coming alone. Behind him there were always a group of many other children of different ages.
After my son finished speaking with me, they would jump forward, pushing each other. They were loudly talking to me and asking me the same thing. Those children were asking me to help them to connect with their parents. In different voices, one speaking over another they were saying something like this “ Please tell our parents that we are not dead. Ask them not to think about us in those terms and please tell them to speak with us. We are trying to communicate with them, but they are not listening to us”.
At that time, I did not know what to do. I was overwhelmed with everything happing so fast. Nor, could I indeed do to anything. I was broken beyond physical functioning. I only could focus on my son. So, I asked them to leave me. I asked them not to talk to me. I could not talk to them at that time. I could not. However, I promised those children that I would do something later. Now, two years later, on the 26 month since the shift of my son, I am keeping my promise and I am delivering their message to you.
Dearest Moms and Dads, your children are hearing you. They are feeling your tears and they are feeling your pain and words. They are trying by any means possible to communicate with you. Dear Moms and Dads, please keep listening and keep talking with your children. They might not be in the physical body, but it does not mean that they have stopped being your children and stopped loving and caring for you. I know now for a fact, that our children who are in the realm of truth not only never leave us, but are able to offer a much deeper connection with us. Please remember that nothing( no one) is lost, only transformed.
Also know this, they are also are here to protect you and their brothers and sisters that they left behind. They are also caring very much for their friends and communities. They are not forgetting anyone. But, most important is that your child is your child forever. Our children are the biggest and strongest advocate on our behalf in their Divine Realm.
Please, know that there are ways to continue your relationship with your child, as I have with mine. There is a way to make a shift from a grieving parent to the parent of an Angel. They want you to fight for your life and not to become a victim of depression, anger or guilt. There is so much more work left for you and me to do. We must not stop.
We must continuously breathe and walk across that desert of Death. And trust me when I tell you the following. That desert of Death with the help from our children and other divine sources can become the most beautiful oasis that you have ever seen. Do not give up. Do not give up your life. Do not give up your children. Do not give away an opportunity to continuously hold the hand of your child as they will never release yours.
So, what my friend was referring to and asking me to do, is in case of his shift to the Realm of Truth, he wanted me to teach his mother how to create a new level of their relationship as I now have with my son. And that what I promised to him I would do if necessary. However, hopefully, there will be no need for me to fulfill this promise, as I wish to my friend a very long, healthy and happy life here on Earth.
Currently, I am writing a book that is based on my two years conversation with my son and his wisdom that has touched me and brought me back to my life. The book is coming along very slowly, as it a very personal and emotional work. And yet the promise that I gave those children was on my mind all this time. I did not want to wait any longer to deliver the message. Now with this article I am fulfilling my promise that I once made. I also trust that those who should hear it will. Your children will assure that this message will reach you in the right time and when you are in the right place to hear it.
Finally I want to share something else. In these long and harsh two years, my husband and I have launched several spiritually oriented projects. We know that each of them was guided by our son. A few months ago we started another one. When I share about those projects often I hear people/ Rabbis saying to me “ This is the best thing that you can do for your son”. Every time I have responded as following “ I am not doing this for my son, I am doing it with him’.
