Conversations with my son Borushka
(read during May 11 Shloshim memorial Service)
Once I wrote:
“God’s smile turned in blessing of the child
that came to life with tiny hands and feet
and the heart beat of a son became a beacon
that gave me strength in sleepless nights”
Once I said:
“the beat of your heart and the look in your eyes
gives me strength to walk the path
of Mother which work is never done
as long as your heart is aligned with mine”
Once I explained to you:
“You are my son, you are my love
and I am your mom and,
I am your ‘Dream Keeper’”
That was when it was my time to talk
and your time to learn and listen.
And then that night came
and in my dream you softly whispered:
“Mom I am not coming home tonight…”
But I did not want to listen.
Plain and simple.
And that was that…
Instead of your dreams,
The dream I dreamt came true
Wiping away everything
You have dreamed and I so carefully
kept for you.
And now we are here today,
Again… talking to each other
You from above… my son
And I from below… your mother.
And do you remember,
How many times you screamed to me:
“…mom this is not fair?”
I answered:
“….get used to it – this is life,
what is new?”
You did not want to hear
and I… did not listen…
And now I am screaming to you:
“This is not fair, my son
…this is so not fair…
and so damn painful”
Can you listen?
But apparently – my time to talk is gone
Now it is your time to talk
And my time to learn and listen
And on darkest night of nights
When my soul is weeping
with an empty heart, and a big black hole
that can’t find…the beat of yours
that once was here…right next to mine…
Your soul is shinning and your eyes
Are looking right into mine and
Somewhere from the deep space above
You are whispering:
“Mom, look at me Mom”
you say,
“Mom, please listen…”
“Mom, there is no Past
Don’t go there, don’t go
Please…. Listen…”
“My room is empty
My shell is gone
Don’t search for me
inside your mind
and empty house
It’s only memories
That’s left…
It’s only pictures…”
“Mom – you say again,
Mom, I need you to look at me”
You order,
“I need you to listen:
Mom, there is no Future, mom…”
and then you whisper:
“The Now is only what we have
Mom stay with me in Now”
You say “…stay with me in Now.”
And you are firm and calm
And I am learning slowly
how to listen
To the son that is above
Still being mom,
Here, below.
I am with you my son
I am with you right now
And it’s so painful here,
And it’s so hard my love
To stay on feet that are so weak and shaking
And there is no ground on this Earth
that can hold me
and keep me straight and strong
And it’s so dark and empty here
Without you, my baby
But I am here
I am with you, my son
Here in Now
Where else would I be?
I am your mother
And I am listening.
And I can see your hands
That are reaching out
and pulling me right up
From the harsh, cold ground
on which I fell and lay
from the day when you so suddenly left…
…Not able to walk or breathe or smile
But with all my mother’s love for you
My son,
That’s larger than the biggest ocean
By listening to you
My son, my teacher…
I will dissolve my pain and I will lift my grief
for losing you on Earth.
And then,
I will unleash the wisdom of my soul
that is so well attuned and filled
with the frequency of God’s compassion…
It will ascend
and it will soar
and it will go right thorough,
just as a hot knife thorough butter,
of every one of the seven gates
of our Master’s castle.
And with the power of Trust and Faith
And with the Knowledge of the hidden secrets
That are installed in me…
and that I hold…In every single cell of my being
since I was born …I will find you once again
Do you know “how?”
By hearing and by following
the whisper of Hashem,
who created All and
knows the path of every living soul
that ever was and is
here on Earth and there, above.
He knows Truth –that is the truth
And that always was and will be
and that is given,
But,
The soul and heart of a mother
Knows the way- that is a fact
And I claim that,
Right here… with you… in Now
And as your Mother I proclaim,
with everyone being witness:
We are not lost, my dearest boy
We have a bond – Our Love.
It’s very strong – We will prevail
Remember,
We did it before and we will do it now.
And once again
you and me
Will dance in joy
And in celebration
for choosing the path
where you and I can walk together
in Grace, Freedom,
Beauty and Compassion,
And surely
With our famous weird teases and jokes
And through the laughter
once again…
by listening to the whisper of your soul
I will align my heart with yours
You, being in the Royal castle
there above – my son
While,
I am your mother-Here on Earth…
…In this amazing Now…
United thorough eternity
by the never ending love
of our God-Hashem
That lives in every Breath
without limit of Time
and limit of Space.
